See Me?
by moonrainer
Summary: After treating his hand injury, Marlene McKinnon has to deal with a drunk Sirius Black and the emotional turmoil he causes within her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** All the characters and places you recognise here are based on J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. The story below, however, is entirely my own.

* * *

"But it _hurts_!" Sirius protested.

"Yes, you've told me," Dorcas retorted, unnerved. "And I've told you that you've got to wait for Marlene. I'm not going to be responsible for making this worse!"

Sirius let his head crash onto the table in front of him and groaned loudly. He could be quite fun, Dorcas thought, eyeing him with annoyance, but at times he also had a trick of getting up her nose.

"It's all your own fault, anyway, tampering with this damn motorbike like that!" she shot at him. "Where'd you even get the idea to try and get a thing like that to fly?"

Lifting his head again, a grin flashed over Sirius's pained face. "Don't tell me you don't think it's smashing!"

Dorcas shook her head. She could tell that he was in pain, not only by his exaggerated moaning, but also by the way his left eyebrow twitched a little whenever he spoke to her. Suddenly, she felt bad for him. The accident had happened over an hour ago, and Marlene was still nowhere to be seen. (Considering that things were especially crazy at St. Mungo's recently, Dorcas was not surprised that she worked overtime.) Most people from the Order were on missions, and the only ones who found themselves at headquarters at present – Dorcas included – were not qualified enough to treat magical injuries like Sirius's properly.

"Look," she said finally, "Why don't you have a drink? That should ease the pain at least a bit."

Sirius nodded and put his head on the table again. His hand _did_ look pretty bad, Dorcas had to admit. The turquoise throbbing worried her, but instead of making her concern known, she simply said as nonchalantly as possible: "Alright then, let me just fetch some firewhiskey from downstairs. And no funny business while I'm gone! I don't think I can handle you with any more injuries."

* * *

When Marlene returned from her very busy shift at St. Mungo's, Sirius was drunk. The moment she stepped through the front door she already heard his voice booming from one of the rooms upstairs. _Oh well_ , she thought to herself, _good thing that it won't be me who'll have to deal with him tonight_. She was so tired that she doubted that even a horde of wild pixies turning the house upside down could stop her from falling asleep immediately, let alone an intoxicated, unconstrained, loud, …

"Oh, finally!" Dorcas appeared at the top of the stairs. "I thought I heard someone come in!"

Marlene rubbed her eyes and yawned. "Hi, Dee. Good to see you. Sorry, but I'm shattered, I really have to-"

"No!" Dorcas interrupted her brusquely. Marlene was alarmed by her friend's unexpected harsh tone. "Sorry, Marls, but you've got to help me out, right now! It's serious … literally."

"Oh no, please don't tell me-"

"MCKINNON? 'S THAT YOU?" Sirius bellowed. "COME ON UP, I _NEED_ YOU!" He giggled, which was a peculiar sound.

"I've made a grave mistake," Dorcas confessed with a deep crease on her forehead, taking Marlene's hand and leading her up the stairs. "I've created a monster and it's a pain in the arse. Nevertheless, you'll have to fix his hand, because I think it might explode if you don't."

* * *

It took Marlene less than a minute to heal Sirius's injury. It required a couple of mending spells, a reduction jinx, a decontamination hex and a tiny bone correction charm. Nothing major for Marlene, but she could see why Dorcas hadn't been confident enough to try and treat the injury herself. After all, she was training in the Ministry, where no such spells were used on a day-to-day basis. The weird colour of Sirius's hand had probably also put her off, for which Marlene didn't blame her. It had taken her quite a while to get used to the look of magically distorted skin herself.

"Good job, Marlene! Thanks for saving the night," Dorcas said relieved, patting her on the back. "I don't think I could have handled his whining any longer." They both looked at Sirius, who had been jinxed into a temporary coma by Marlene so that she could perform her spells in peace. He looked peaceful and was almost drooling on the table.

"I know you meant well, but next time you should probably just knock him out instead of getting him drunk," Marlene laughed.

"Yes," Dorcas chuckled, "I guess that would be fun. Paying him back for all the times he played pranks on me, one punch at a time."

Marlene shook her head. "You're not that innocent. As far as I remember, you two were almost competing against each other. There were times when you spent more time in detention with him than in the common room with me!"

"Ah," Dorcas sighed. "You're making me nostalgic… But oh Merlin," she exclaimed after looking at the big grandfather's clock in the corner of the room, "I should be getting to bed. I've got a shift to cover in a couple of hours…" She eyed Marlene with a guilty but equally pleading expression.

Marlene let out a sigh, but smiled. "Don't worry, I'll last a couple more minutes until he wakes up. You should go and get some sleep. Mad-Eye will not be pleased in you fall off your broom during your mission."

Dorcas beamed and hugged her friend. "Thanks, Marls, you're the best! See you tomorrow!" When Marlene blinked, Dorcas was already out the door.

Sighing again, she turned around. That would make another half hour or so before she could hit the hay… But somehow, she felt more alert than a couple of minutes ago. Was that because she was alone in the room with _him_?

She sat down next to Sirius, letting her eyes wander over the features that she had come to know so well over the past years. His beauty had never struck her as odd. Alongside his self-confidence and ready-wit, it had always been one of the key attributes defining him. For as long as she could remember, he had looked perfect to her. Perfect, but unattainable.

She had to restrain herself so that she wouldn't tuck a loose strand of black hair behind his ear. Why was she even thinking about him like that? Deep down she knew it was never going to happen, and that she should just move on already. Frustrated, she buried her face in her hands. Why couldn't she do that?

They weren't even proper friends, just acquaintances who happened to be around each other a lot due to being part of the Order. He probably wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for Dorcas and Lily. And who was she, anyway? An ordinary, rather mousy girl certainly not interesting enough for someone like-

A grunt interrupted her musings. When she looked up, Sirius was examining his hand sleepily.

"It's as good as new," Marlene assured him. Startled, he spun around, as if he had forgotten that she was there. _Ha, how appropriate_ , she thought bitterly.

"McKinnon. You still here?"

"Did you really think I'd just leave you to your own devices after putting you in a coma? Besides, considering what you did to your hand, apparently you can't be trusted with your own safety. And then there's the fact that you're drunk." She tried to sound as sanguine as possible, as if he hadn't just interrupted her thinking about her unrequited feelings for him.

"Drunk? Who're you callin' drunk?" he asked with fake incredulity, swaying a little. "I'm as sober as a phoenix on a fine Monday morning!" He rested his right elbow on the table and it promptly slipped off.

"Right, I can see that," Marlene laughed, genuine this time.

"And who's tellin' me that you didn't bewitch me, McKinnon?" He raised both eyebrows and looked rather comical.

"Believe me, I have better things to do after work."

"Oh really? Got other men to spend time with, don't you?" Sirius winked at her.

She looked down, blushing. "Don't be ridiculous," she said shyly, unable to keep the discomfort out of her voice.

The silence that ensued weighed heavily on her shoulders. When she couldn't bear it anymore, she glanced up at him again, and found that Sirius's eyes were resting on her.

"Really, McKinnon, I've gotta say that sometimes you're just sooo oblivious to how you look," he stated, exaggeratedly shaking his head. "Most of the time, really," he added.

This took Marlene by surprise and immediately made her feel both hurt and ashamed. Never before had Sirius insulted her like this.

But it wasn't like it was her fault. She was born this way; she couldn't change that her tummy was never quite flat, that her ears were a little too big, and that her hair was always a bit frizzy. Besides, it had been a long day at work, so she probably looked very exhausted and considerably older than she actually was.

Dumbstruck, she tried to come up with a witty retort, but she failed miserably.

"I take good care of my appearance, thank you very much!" She willed her face to look neutral so that he wouldn't see the pain he'd caused her. He had been teasing her lightly before, but that was the first time he'd really gotten to her. Confused, crestfallen, and unable to think of anything else to respond, she looked intently at the collection of bottles assembled on the table. Dorcas must have been rummaging the house for any leftover spirits. Mixing all those different liquors was probably what got him intoxicated.

"No, silly!" His laugh made her heart jump inappropriately. Carefully emphasising every part of the sentence to give his statement more meaning, he announced: "I meant that you're damn pretty and you don't realise it."

Oh. Marlene hadn't expected this, either. "Right…" Baffled and unsure about what to say, she got up. Where was this going? She had no clue, and that made her slightly anxious. Also, she was too tired to deal with this mess of feelings and with him in general. She couldn't trust herself. It was better to leave now before anything went wrong. But before she could move towards the door, Sirius grabbed her arm.

"Hey, don't you believe me?" he asked, playfully offended.

"Will you please let go of me?" Marlene pressed, trying to pull away. She was so embarrassed that her head was probably as red as the crimson Gryffindor jumper she was wearing. She just wanted to go; this whole situation was creating a level of discomfort that she could not handle. However, Sirius did not move and continued staring at her, his grip slowly tightening. Marlene's heartbeat quickened, and even more blood rushed to her face. No. No! She was NOT having this.

At once, she twisted, grabbed his neck with her free hand and firmly pushed his head onto the table. He let out a pain-stricken groan and let go of her immediately. "Ouch!"

Shocked, she pulled herself back, shivering a little. Overreaction. Remorse hit her; she hadn't wanted to hurt him. He was just a drunk fool who didn't mean her any harm. Just Sirius. Merlin, her exhaustion was getting the better of her. The stress of the recent weeks was really taking its toll on her. Everything seemed so uncertain and confusing and weird. Drunk Sirius was not making it any better.

Before she could apologise, he smirked. "Damn, I thought you were a healer."

"Doesn't mean I don't fight," she replied, slightly awkward. "Sorry," she added sheepishly, lowering her eyes.

He rubbed his neck, still smiling. "You've always been a tough one, McKinnon, I grant you that."

"And you've always been annoying!" she shot back, unable to accept his second compliment of the night _. He didn't really mean that, nothing of what he said_ , she told herself. _He's not thinking straight._

"Come on, can't you do better than that? Gimme your worst! I wanna see your dark side!" he taunted, slurring his words a little.

Marlene tensed up. What was he doing? Did all of that mean something, or was her tired mind playing tricks on her? She decided to make herself clear.

"What's this about, huh?" She tried to sound as resolute and confident as possible.

"What's _what_ about? Life?" He flung his hands up into the air. "Who the hell knows?"

"No," she said, getting annoyed at him. Was he purposely misunderstanding her? Was this just another one of his games? "You saying all these things. Why?"

Sirius laughed. "Ha! What do I know? I'm drunk!" He twirled his index finger near his temple.

Marlene frowned impatiently. "Never giving straightforward answers, are you?"

"Where'd be the fun in that?"

Frustrated, she grabbed her bag and cloak from the table. "You know what? I don't want to deal with you right now. You're difficult enough when you're sober." She flung her bag over her shoulder and turned to face him. He looked slightly disheartened. "I'll see you again when you've detoxed."

She was almost at the door when his voice sent a shiver down her spine. "Hey. Marlene." He never called her by her first name. She looked back at him, angry, even more confused, a bit ashamed, and still very much infatuated. _No, I don't want to hear anything! You're just messing with my feelings and you don't even seem to realise!_ she wanted to shout, but instead she just bit her lip. Damn.

"Thanks," he said, earnestly. "I'm lucky you were around to fix me." He smiled at her, and her heart caught fire. She fought to keep composed. To him, she was just an ally who he'd tried to joke with. He didn't even have the slightest idea of what having his undivided attention did to her.

And suddenly, a realisation hit her. None of this was his fault. He didn't willingly make her love him. He didn't choose not to see her, not to feel for her what she felt for him. He was just being himself, completely unaware of her real emotions. Right then, everything inside her went silent for a moment. And all of a sudden she knew what she had to do.

She crossed the room with a few strides, cupped his face with her hands and kissed him. Determinedly. Honestly. Unapologetically.

Marlene had often imagined what kissing Sirius would be like, but she had never thought that she would find herself in such a strange situation, taking a leap like this, the taste of firewhiskey on her lips. He didn't kiss her back, but he didn't pull away either. She couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling, only that he was there and she was there with him, finally making herself known. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but to Marlene it felt like the world.

She didn't look at him when she broke away. Without another word, she turned around and left the room quietly. She only noticed right before she fell asleep that night that this had been the very first time she had witnessed Sirius Black speechless.

* * *

 **A/N** Thank you very much for reading! I'm glad you got this far! :)

I had the idea for this story about a year ago when I first started writing fanfics, but I only got around to finishing it now. (I only ever seem to write during summer break, oh dear...) Usually, I write self-contained one-shots the length of your average short story, but I feel like I could develop this fic further and explore the relationship between Sirius and Marlene more, in a follow-up maybe. Let me know if you'd want to read that (if you like). As always, opinions are very much appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** All the characters and places you recognise here are based on J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. The story below however is entirely my own.

* * *

Sirius had lost track of time. He didn't know for how long he was already sitting in this chair, staring at the door Marlene had vanished through. He tried to focus and pull himself away, but his head was spinning and he couldn't hold on to a single thought. To make matters worse, everything around him felt and looked very strange, distorted and almost surreal.

Suddenly, he noticed that the world was tipping to the left. He was falling. When did he decide to get up, and why couldn't he stand straight? Something hard crashed into his cheek. It took him a moment to realise that it was wood. He was on the floor. _Fair enough_ , he thought and closed his eyes.

"Sirius?" A hand on his shoulder, shaking him. "Padfoot!" The voice sounded muffled and seemed to come from far away. "Mate, what are you doing?"

His head was so heavy. He wished that the voice would leave him alone. He was extremely exhausted and definitely not ready for anything that involved effort on his part.

"Come on, you can't just lie here. It's 5 in the morning! Get into bed at least." But Sirius didn't care about times and places. All he wanted was some peace and quiet so that he could go back to sleep.

Something was tugging on his arm, trying to pull him up. He grunted and stayed as limp as possible, hoping that whoever was disturbing him would soon give up the attempt to move him.

Obviously struggling, the voice became frustrated. "Bugger! Stop eating so many cauldron cakes, you're getting too heavy!"

Slowly, a part of Sirius became aware that it was Remus talking to him. Sirius wanted to tell him that he just needed a bit more sleep, but when he opened his mouth, his tongue was hard to control and he only managed to mumble something that not even he himself could understand.

He heard Remus sigh and felt him let go of his arm.

"Wormtail?" he bellowed suddenly, making Sirius groan. "Could you come here for a second?"

Sirius started to drift in and out of consciousness and only heard bits and pieces of the conversation that followed. He couldn't focus and soon lost track of what was being talked about.

"… put him to bed …"

"… pretty spaced out … how long has he …"

"… get him into bed somehow ..."

"… tried to lift him … no way …"

"… no magic … Marlene healed … don't want to interfere … could be worse …"

"… more people maybe …"

When he felt himself being lifted after what could have been minutes or hours, he was only half aware of what was happening. Sirius wondered what all the commotion was about; lying on the floor had been fine by him. Just as he decided that he didn't mind that he was being carried somewhere, he finally fell into a deep slumber again.

* * *

He dreamt about Marlene. She had kissed him, he was sure of it. Sirius could still taste her warm lips on his, feel her fingertips softly on his cheek. It had all happened so suddenly; he hadn't seen it coming.

The whole encounter had left him uneasy. What he found so unsettling wasn't the kiss itself, but rather that he hadn't known how to respond to it. Of course, he had an idea of what he was supposed to feel: Happiness, the infamous butterfly stomach, desire, maybe even love. (Or, on the other side of the spectrum, repulsion and potentially fear, but he ruled that out quite quickly.) Still, he had experienced none of these emotions. In fact, looking back on it, he had experienced nothing at all. He was simply indifferent to Marlene kissing him.

 _How strange_ , he mused. He didn't doubt that Marlene was a good kisser; her kissing him hadn't felt clumsy or uncomfortable. She was also pretty; he had told her so himself just a few moments before the event. Added to that, she was a kind person; she had a heart of gold, usually a smile on her lips, and always a nice word to spare for everyone. All in all, she was "definitely girlfriend material", as James would say.

So how come he couldn't for the life of him enjoy kissing her? Was there something wrong with him? Coming to think of it, he had never had the desire to kiss anyone. Ever. He saw beautiful girls all the time, but he never thought of them as something other than … people. Was that … abnormal?

When he woke up, his head throbbed and he felt extremely sick. As quickly as he could, he hoisted himself out of his bed (How had he gotten there?) and stumbled to the bathroom, where he promptly vomited into the toilet. Hugging the seat, he noted that he was more confused than he'd ever been before in his entire life, and it made him feel like crap. But maybe the aftereffects of the firewhisky had something to do with it as well.

* * *

However, even after his hangover had worn off, Sirius's bewilderment remained. It was as if he had discovered an interesting new book that he somehow wasn't able to read. Whenever he tried to think about anything related to what had happened that night, he had to force himself to stop. The longer he mulled over it, the less sense it made. There was only one thing he was certain of: He needed to know why Marlene had kissed him in the first place. Understanding her perspective would bring some light into the darkness, or at least he convinced himself that it would.

Nonetheless, one week later, Sirius still hadn't talked to her. Not because he didn't want to; she just never seemed to be anywhere he was. He reasoned that she probably spent most of her time at St. Mungo's, but even whenever he briefly spotted her around headquarters, she vanished again just as quickly. Was she avoiding him on purpose, or had he just never noticed before that they barely saw each other?

Still, it was obvious that they needed a one-on-one, he thought. Therefore, if she wasn't trying to steer clear of him, why hadn't she sought him out yet? After all, it was her who had kissed him. Clearly, Sirius had to take matters into his own hands.

One morning, he therefore cornered Dorcas in the kitchen and quizzed her about Marlene's work schedule. From her smirk he could tell that she knew something was up, but she didn't ask any questions.

Later that day, after the receptionist witch had told him that he was most likely to encounter any Healer in the spell damage department, Sirius found himself in the busy main hallway of the fourth floor of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Healers were rushing past, worried-looking relatives were nervously fidgeting in front of several individual rooms, and he could spot the odd patient levitating, likely being transported from one ward to another.

He felt stupid just standing there, trying to catch sight of Marlene, but he could hardly go around searching for her by opening random doors like he owned the place. Instead, Sirius resorted to stopping the least busy-looking green-robed witches and wizards. Without fail, they all either got somewhat angry or simply confused when he asked them if they had seen Healer trainee Marlene McKinnon anywhere. He couldn't blame them; they probably had more important things to attend to than helping a befuddled twenty-something on his quest to emotional enlightenment.

Right when he was explaining to an older, rather stout Healer with a severe hearing problem that he was in fact looking for a young woman and not green skin lawn (whatever that might be), he saw her hurrying down the corridor. When she noticed him, Marlene froze in the middle of the hallway, a slightly terrified expression on her face. Sirius absent-mindedly thanked the older Healer and quickly approached her before she could run away, sporting his best smile in an attempt to make her feel less intimidated.

"Hi," he said, trying to catch her eye. She wouldn't look at him.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius noted the tremble in her voice, which made him uncomfortable. He didn't want to make her feel awkward. What _was_ he doing here?

"I wanted to talk to you. I haven't really seen you around headquarters, so I thought I'd try the place where you apparently spend most of your waking hours." He hoped that he sounded light-hearted.

"It's not like I have much of a choice…" Her gaze drifted along the hallway, taking in the commotion. "It's been crazy around here lately. They need us to work overtime."

People kept hurrying past, some curiously eyeing the witch and the wizard blocking the corridor. Their stares bothered Sirius more than he would like to admit to himself. It seemed as if they were able to see right through him, realising how clueless and inexperienced he was.

He nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, why don't we go somewhere a bit more … private?"

Marlene blushed and nodded, still not meeting his eye. "Over here."

He followed her to the end of the hallway where she opened a small door which led to a cleaning cupboard. _How cliché is that?_ he thought, though he was wise enough not to say it aloud.

Marlene lit her wand and went in first. It was a tiny room. When he stepped in after her, there wasn't much space left. His head was touching the cob-webbed ceiling, and he doubted that a house-elf would have fit between the two of them. Was this really such a good idea after all?

"So?" Marlene almost whispered after a long moment of silence.

"So…" Sirius hesitated. He hadn't actually thought about what exactly it was that he wanted to say, let alone how he should say it. "The other night…"

"Yeah…" Marlene's cheeks were so flushed that she looked like she had just run from here to headquarters and back.

"I guess I just wanted some clarification there," he continued, very aware of the fact that he sounded like an idiot.

Finally, she looked straight at him, but he found her expression hard to decipher.

"Didn't I make myself clear enough?"

"Well, I don't know…" Immediately, she looked hurt, which was the last thing he wanted her to be.

"I'm sorry," he quickly continued, "Can't you just spell it out for me? I know I'm being a massive nitwit."

Her expression now shifted into what he could clearly identify as anger.

"Oh, do you enjoy this? Is this funny to you? Are my feelings something you think you can just play with?"

What was this about? Did she really think he was so cruel, toying with her emotions for the hell of it, trying to humiliate her? Did she find it so unlikely that he was genuinely confused?

"No, it's not-"

"This was it all along, right? Making fun of me?" she interrupted, her voice getting louder. "Silly Marlene, the desperate girl who's in love with the untouchable Sirius Black!" She gestured with her wand to underline her words, so much so that a bottle of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover on the shelf next to her tipped over and crashed onto the floor, soaking their feet. She didn't even look at the spillage. Her eyes were fixed on him.

Sirius swallowed. _In love_ , she'd said. But he shouldn't be thinking about that right now. _Focus!_ he told himself.

"Marlene, I wouldn't-"

"Oh Merlin, I'm so pathetic!" Tears started to run down her cheeks. "I guess I actually deserve to be ridiculed!"

Sirius felt awful. Not only had he made Marlene extremely unhappy, but he also did a terrible job at comforting her. If she'd only _listen_ to him…

"No, no, Marlene-"

But she turned away from him, trying to hide herself because she was crying hard, her lower lip trembling. She looked so sad that it broke his heart.

All this time, he had been consumed by his own emotions, attempting to make sense of how _he_ felt. He had forgotten that there was another person involved, and that she had feelings of her own that he knew even less about. Of course she was upset! She had opened up to him through a kiss, and now she thought he was playing with her. And it was all his fault.

He couldn't bear it; he needed to fix this, or at least make it better somehow. Without thinking, he took her hand in his. When she didn't look at him, he gently put his other hand on her cheek and turned her face towards him.

"Are you pitying me?" she whispered.

He didn't know the answer to that question. To him, it felt like he didn't know anything anymore. What was he supposed to say? Lying was out of the question, but telling the truth could make things worse, could hurt her even more. It was a classic dilemma, and time was running out. He couldn't hesitate for much longer.

Then suddenly, he she inched towards him a little. They were so close to each other that he noticed it immediately. Sirius didn't falter. His hand still on her cheek, he leaned in and carefully touched her lips with his. Immediately, she embraced the kiss, falling into it, pulling him closer. Relief washed over Sirius; he'd done the right thing. But as he softly brushed away the last of Marlene's tears, a voice inside his head reminded him of the fact that he was still feeling nothing.

* * *

 **A/N** Long time no see! Thanks for reading Chapter 2 of this little FanFic endeavour of mine.

After I published Chapter 1 almost a year ago, I was really unsure if I'd ever continue writing this story. But here we are after all! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I've got a third (and last) chapter planned which I will probably (hopefully) write in the coming weeks, so stay tuned for that! In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story so far, if you've got the time and nerves to spare that is. ;) Thank you!


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